Unveiling the Psychological Manipulation Tactics in The Gaslight Effect

[00:00:00] Hi, welcome to Bookey, which unlock big ideas from world best sellers in audio, text and mind map.

[00:00:06] Please download Bookey at Apple Store or Google Play with more features. Get your free mind snack now.

[00:00:13] Today we will unlock the book, The Gaslight Effect, How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others

[00:00:19] Used to Control Your Life. This book presents us with thorough research on a manipulation tactic called Gaslighting.

[00:00:26] Where does this name come from?

[00:00:29] During the initial stages of her research, Dr. Stern couldn't quite put her finger on the phenomenon.

[00:00:35] Despite this, she knew that it was there and it was real. Then she recalled the term gaslighting

[00:00:41] that had occasionally been used since the release of a 1944 film called Gaslight.

[00:00:47] In this film, a husband convinces his wife that she is insane in order to take her inheritance.

[00:00:53] At first, the wife maintains her grip on reality but as he manipulates her perceptions of reality,

[00:00:58] she begins to believe that what he says is true. His main argument centers on her hallucinating

[00:01:04] that the gas lights in their house are dimming while in reality he is controlling them.

[00:01:09] The husband in the movie is consciously manipulating his wife in order to obtain her tangible property.

[00:01:16] However, in real life, the one doing the gaslighting, the gas lighter often doesn't realize what they are doing.

[00:01:22] Dr. Stern is a psychoanalyst with over 30 years of experience as an expert in her field.

[00:01:29] This book provides numerous examples of gaslighting and the many ways it crops up in certain situations.

[00:01:35] She points out that throughout the process, people who are being gaslighted or gaslightes

[00:01:39] go from gradually abandoning their standpoint to completely obeying the other person or gas lighter.

[00:01:45] At every stage of the process, gas lightes will feel extremely worn out

[00:01:50] but with the right determination and ability to take action, gas lightes can leave the gaslighting

[00:01:55] relationship behind and live a happy and healthy life. After this book was published,

[00:02:00] the phrase to be gaslight became widely used. Even the former US President Donald Trump was called a

[00:02:06] gas lighter. So what can Stern offer to those stuck in gaslighting relationships or to those who

[00:02:12] might one day end up in one? Let's listen to today's bookie and try to answer the following three

[00:02:18] questions. Part 1. What is the gaslight effect? Part 2. The three stages of gaslighting.

[00:02:26] Part 3. Breaking free from gaslighting. Part 1. What is the gaslight effect?

[00:02:33] The gaslight effect is the result of a relationship formed between a gas lighter and a gaslighte.

[00:02:39] Dr. Stern identifies gaslighting as an epidemic of our times because it's a backlash

[00:02:44] against the changing of women's roles, the rise of individualism and because we see it in our

[00:02:48] wider culture in politics and media. It doesn't only occur in a romantic relationship but it is a

[00:02:55] rather widespread phenomenon in society. Gaslighters and gas lightes can be of either gender

[00:03:01] and gaslighting can happen in any type of relationship whether it is with a spouse, lover, boss,

[00:03:06] colleague or relative. However, the author refers to gaslighters as he and gaslightes as she.

[00:03:14] The book's examples typically focus on romantic relationships because that's the pairing she

[00:03:18] most often sees in her practice. A gaslighter needs to be right 100% of the time to preserve his

[00:03:25] own sense of self while a gaslighte allows him to define her perception of reality as she

[00:03:29] idealizes him and seeks his approval. It's worth noting that the gaslighter's behavior

[00:03:35] in this kind of relationship, unlike in the movie, is usually not the result of him wanting

[00:03:39] something tangible or real. From the gaslighter's point of view, he corrects his partner's mistakes

[00:03:45] for her own good. At the same time, his need to prove himself right causes him to repeatedly criticize

[00:03:51] the other person. Let's look at an example that Dr. Stern provided so that we can understand more

[00:03:57] clearly. Katie is dating Brian. Being an outgoing and talkative young lady, she works as a sales

[00:04:04] representative. Because of her job and character, she loves talking to new people. However,

[00:04:11] Brian is an anxious guy who treats new people with suspicion. When they go for a walk together,

[00:04:17] Brian gets very angry when Katie starts talking to strangers. He especially hates her talking to

[00:04:23] other men. He criticizes Katie, saying that these men wanted to seduce her and that her behavior

[00:04:29] is highly disrespectful to him, her boyfriend. At first, Katie laughs away these comments.

[00:04:36] But as time goes by, she is no longer able to withstand Brian's endless criticism and start

[00:04:41] stouting herself. She thinks what if men are trying to seduce her and she doesn't realize it?

[00:04:48] What if her chatting with men does hurt Brian and she's being insensitive? As time goes on,

[00:04:53] Katie becomes more and more confused and doesn't know how to behave when meeting new people anymore.

[00:04:59] Is it all right to smile or wave? In this relationship, Brian is the gas lighter and Katie is the

[00:05:06] gas light. Brian insists that his criticism is valid and he has a right to give it. But how does

[00:05:13] this affect Katie? Whatever she does, she hears Brian's voice in her head and does what she thinks

[00:05:19] he would want her to do. She's confused and changes her behavior to suit him. Therefore, we can

[00:05:26] definitely call it gas lighting. It is important to mention that Brian is not doing this intentionally.

[00:05:33] He feels jealous when he sees Katie talking to other men, but he never considers the root of the

[00:05:37] problem to be him only Katie. So, he wants to make Katie realize her mistakes and change.

[00:05:44] He has to be right where he will feel weak and powerless and he can't face that.

[00:05:49] There are three types of gas lighters. Let's take a closer look at each type.

[00:05:55] The first one is a glamour gas lighter. Suppose that one day you realize that your boyfriend

[00:06:01] is no longer replying to your messages. He just disappears. You call him many times, but he doesn't

[00:06:08] answer. Two weeks later, he suddenly shows up carrying a bouquet of delicate flowers in one hand and

[00:06:15] an elegant present in another. He wants you to go on a romantic trip over the weekend with him.

[00:06:21] Naturally, you're still very angry and want him to explain his disappearance.

[00:06:26] However, he refuses to explain himself, acts as though you have no reason to be angry

[00:06:31] and insists that you should appreciate the flowers, the present, and the romantic occasion.

[00:06:36] This behavior fits the description of glamour gas lighting.

[00:06:40] Glamour gas lighters create a magical romantic world for gas lighties in order to keep them

[00:06:45] under their spell. But these romantic gestures are done for the purpose of distracting the gas

[00:06:51] lighty from her true feelings and point of view, and thus the gas lighting begins.

[00:06:56] It can also occur in the form of friendships, family, and workplace relationships. The point is,

[00:07:01] glamour gas lighters create an us against the world fantasy and then tell you that you're the one

[00:07:06] breaking the special bond. The second type is a good guy gas lighter. Nothing seems to be wrong

[00:07:12] with this guy, but after interacting with him, you feel joyless and depressed.

[00:07:17] On the surface, he seems to agree with your plans, but in reality,

[00:07:21] he is still committed to his own way of thinking. You can sense it so you feel disrespected,

[00:07:27] even if it seems like you got what you wanted. Dr. Stern uses one of her patient's experiences as

[00:07:32] an example. Her patient had a work meeting late at night and so did her patient's husband.

[00:07:38] They couldn't find anyone to care for their child for the night and were forced to decide who

[00:07:42] would skip their meeting. After hours of discussion, the two decided that the patient would go.

[00:07:48] Even though the husband didn't stop her from going, she felt that they had not really come

[00:07:53] to an agreement. She felt like he was saying, you won, you can go. But I still think that you

[00:07:59] shouldn't go. Your meeting doesn't matter. She wasn't happy to win. Only tired from the

[00:08:07] battle. A good guy gas lighter seemingly agrees with you and listens to your opinion, but he actually

[00:08:13] still thinks that you are wrong and he is right. The third type of gas lighter is an intimidator.

[00:08:19] This type is easy to distinguish as his actions often involve yelling, belittling,

[00:08:24] oppressing, and other kinds of punishment and or intimidation. The intimidator does not

[00:08:30] behave this way all the time. He can be a good husband, a loving son or an outstanding employee.

[00:08:37] But once you do something that displeases him, he starts shouting at you or threatening to leave you.

[00:08:43] Over time you become emotionally exhausted and start believing that the negative things he says

[00:08:47] about you are true. That's gas lighting. By now you're probably feeling deeply empathetic towards

[00:08:54] the gas lighties. While they do suffer a lot, there is one important thing you need to understand,

[00:09:00] a gas lighting relationship can only be formed with active participation from both sides.

[00:09:05] In other words, input from the gas lighter side without the gas lighties contribution in turn

[00:09:10] will not lead to gas lighting in the relationship. So, Stern calls it two people dancing a gas light

[00:09:16] tango. Let's take a look at an example from Stern's practice. Being avid debaters, a married couple

[00:09:24] of lawyers had different opinions about how they handled their money. The husband constantly

[00:09:29] criticized his wife's impulsive shopping habits, even though she used her own earnings.

[00:09:34] The husband had come from a low-income family and worried about the accumulation of debt,

[00:09:38] despite the fact his wife paid all the bills on time. They argued a lot about this.

[00:09:44] The problem was the wife was terrified that he would misunderstand her or form a bad opinion of her

[00:09:50] based on the argument. For this reason, she kept fighting him, trying to win the argument rather

[00:09:56] than objecting to his control over her money. Hence, the gas light tango between them began.

[00:10:02] While the husband continued to insist that he had been right all along, the wife was desperate

[00:10:07] for his approval and tried undermining him with counterarguments. Stern suggested that the wife could

[00:10:13] simply respond with, well, I don't see your point yet but I'm willing to think about it and walk away

[00:10:18] rather than keep fighting. But winning arguments was so integral to the wife's self-image that she

[00:10:23] believed losing would validate her greatest fear that she was unworthy of his love.

[00:10:28] So the gas light tango continued. So why do gas light teas tolerate the gas lighting?

[00:10:35] Some of them have a fear of what Stern calls the emotional apocalypse.

[00:10:40] Sometimes when the gas light questions the gas lighters point of view, he can start yelling,

[00:10:44] criticizing her or even threatening her with leaving.

[00:10:48] Facing the emotional apocalypse makes gas light teas feel completely overwhelmed.

[00:10:53] They are so fearful of it happening that they give in immediately when they sense it coming.

[00:10:58] Other gas light teas have what Stern calls an urge to merge.

[00:11:02] They crave approval without which they struggle to see themselves as good or worthy people.

[00:11:08] When they are desperately seeking the gas lighters approval, gas light teas might act in one of two ways.

[00:11:14] They either quickly give up their point of view and align with the gas lighter.

[00:11:18] Or they choose to engage in a debate while trying to make the gas lighter acknowledge their point

[00:11:23] of view. Both cases lead to the gas light tango. Sometimes empathy might cause gas light teas

[00:11:30] to encounter gas lighting situations or give them the ability to put themselves in another person's

[00:11:35] place. When a gas light tea puts herself in the gas lighters shoes, she thinks that if she disagrees

[00:11:40] with him, it will make him feel very sad. This empathy trap makes the gas light tea neglect her own

[00:11:46] feelings which in turn further encourages the gas lighters manipulative behavior.

[00:11:52] This brings us to the end of the first part. We looked at the meaning, types and origin of the

[00:11:57] term gas lighting. Stern emphasizes that the gas lighters behavior is usually not just about manipulation.

[00:12:05] Most of the time, gas lighters want to be seen as better than the other person or had the desire

[00:12:10] to prove themselves right. Plus, gas lighting can only happen with the active participation of the

[00:12:16] gas light tea. But how do gas lighters manipulate gas light teas? Let's learn about the three stages

[00:12:23] of gas lighting in the next part. Today we are just sharing limited content. To unlock more key insights

[00:12:30] of world-class bestseller, please download our app. Just search for be O-O-K-E-Y at Apple Store or

[00:12:37] Google Play. Get your free mind snack now.